


"How did you stop hurting?" - "I didn't."

by TheRegularWriter



Series: Even in the clutches of certain doom... you're happy to have each other [5]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Arguing, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Do NOT ship Lars and Steven, Emotional Baggage, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Heavy self-projecting once again, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, I JUST FOUND OUT THIS TAG EXISTED, I'll never get tired of these two, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lion is the best, Pink Lars Barriga, Pink Steven Mode, Platonic Relationships, Post-Episode: s01e04 Volleyball, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Self-Indulgent, Steven Universe Future, Steven Universe Future Spoilers, Steven needs a thousand hugs, Stress, Suicidal Thoughts, THANK YOU AO3, The Off Colors have a very brief cameo, Things escalate very quickly, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:22:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21779782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRegularWriter/pseuds/TheRegularWriter
Summary: You'd think that Steven would be thrilled to see that Lars has gotten better with his screaming powers...Instead, he freezes where he stands in absolute horror.
Relationships: Lars & Lion & Steven, Lars Barriga & Steven Universe
Series: Even in the clutches of certain doom... you're happy to have each other [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573531
Comments: 19
Kudos: 386





	"How did you stop hurting?" - "I didn't."

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry guys! I can't seem to stop writing the Traumatized Steven + Big Bro Lars dynamic :'v not sure if this is becoming repetitive... but I enjoy doing it, so *shrugs in guilt*
> 
> This one is a little heavier, though; there's nothing graphic here but the trigger warnings are below in case you didn't read the tags.
> 
> As usual, I apologize for writing mistakes and any OOCness - I hope the pacing is good in this ;A; I tried to make it short but it ended up having around 3k words anyway, and the ending is kinda crap lmao
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNINGS - flashback, trauma, past emotional/psychological abuse (regarding Volleyball AKA Pink Pearl), past temporary character death (Lars) and suicidal thoughts.**
> 
> **And, again, DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE NEW EPISODES!**

_“You’re just like her.”_

It’s a sentence he’s grown to profoundly dislike. One he thought he was over with, only to be wronged by himself.

Regardless, Steven tries to convince himself he’s not like her. His gem half proved that to him, back in White Diamond’s head. His mom is gone. Now there is only him.

Yet being her and being _like_ her… these are different.

Well, he’s not either.

But as he stares at Lars and Lion in horror, Steven might wonder if Volleyball was right.

* * *

He doesn’t know how it starts. Or… maybe he does and doesn’t want to think about it. He was having a small training session with Lars and Lion, as they knew that these two share the same powers. Lars has been striving to master the powerful screams that Lion easily produces; it’s been that way for a long time, actually, since Steven has dedicated most of his routine to Little Homeworld. Now that things are easy and going well, they’ve decided to try a few lessons.

Steven hasn’t minded it, not really. It’s kind of entertaining to watch Lars try while Lion is fast asleep beside him. Everything was fine.

… until Lars lets out something similar to a roar that cracks parts of the somewhat ruined Sky Arena.

You’d think the sixteen-year-old would be thrilled to watch the scene. He would have, really.

But now? He freezes where he stands in absolute horror.

Lars distantly says something in excitement and pride of himself – something like, “Dude, that was amazing! Did you see that?”

Steven can’t move.

He can’t say anything, despite his dropped jaw.

The half gem is suddenly not there anymore. He’s at the Reef again, screaming from the top of his lungs, destroying everything around him. He hears Volleyball shuddering in panic behind Pearl, afraid. He finds his own furious, pink reflection in the shattered ground under his feet.

Everything falls apart around him. It cracks, _breaks_. And all he can do is stare.

Stare while meaningless noises fill his mind. At some point, though, they become familiar words…

_S…?_

_… ven._

_Steven!_

“ **Steven**!”

He gasps once he feels two hands grasping his shoulders tight.

Steven looks around him, realizing he’s not at the Reef anymore. The Pearls aren’t the ones talking to him. Hiding from him. He recognizes Lars’ worried eyes staring at him, as well as Lion peeking from behind.

“… Lars?” He calls, lost.

“Are you okay? You- You just stood here, like you’ve seen a ghost or something.”

Right… they were training. How could he forget?

“Oh, I- I j-just thought you did great! Sorry, I got distracted; it kinda caught me by surprise.” Steven tries to dismiss it.

Lars, however, doesn’t believe him. And neither does Lion.

“Dude, you looked scared. Like, _really_ scared,” His pink friend argues. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing! Nothing, I- look, uh- c-can we call it a day?” Steven breaks away from the other’s grip. “I think that’s good for one lesson. You’ve pretty much mastered your screams.”

“What? No—”

“Besides, I gotta- check up on Little Homeworld. And you have to work too!”

“Steven—”

“C’mon, Lion, let’s go.”

Lion makes a protesting noise and doesn’t look pleased. He lies down and refuses to stand again.

“Hey, don’t be like that!” Steven whines. “We have to go!”

Despite his pleads, the giant cat doesn’t comply and closes his eyes. Steven glares at him.

“Let’s take the warp pad,” He mutters under his breath and starts walking away, expecting Lars to follow him. “Lion can catch up later.”

What he doesn’t expect is a hand grabbing his arm.

“We’re not in any rush and you know it,” Lars points out with a frown.

“ _I_ am, though, I have things to do!”

“Can’t you take a break? I’m sure the gems will understand—”

“I can’t take a break now, Lars!”

“Steven, I just- I just want to talk to you!”

“Maybe I don’t _want_ to talk, okay?” Steven pushes his hand away and glares at him.

Lars looks shocked at first but then he shows comprehension; which doesn’t make the other boy feel any better, truth be told. Nobody could understand him.

“I… I just want to understand what got you so spooked.” He insists, in a softer tone.

“You-!” Steven backs out from snapping at him, so he adds, quieter, “You can’t.”

“I can’t if you don’t _tell_ me.”

He pouts and crosses his own arms, refusing to look at the older in the eye.

“Dude, you can talk about that stuff – or anything with me. You know that, right?” Lars reminds him, only to get no other response. He lets out a deep sigh. “Was it my scream?”

“Leave it, Lars.”

“Dude, c’mon—”

Something in Steven boils. Why can’t Lars leave him alone? Why can’t he let it slide like everyone else is doing?

“I said _leave it_.”

“Well, I don’t want to leave it, Steven!” Lars raises his voice, his impatience clear. “I know you never share about anything with your friends – you’re just going to bottle it up and not say anything to anyone!”

Steven growls and turns around. “It’s none of your business!”

Lars groans. “Goddammit, can you stop being a _brat?!_ ”

Something inside him decides that word was the last straw.

Rage fuels his veins, his entire body.

“ ** _I’M NOT A BRAT_ _!_** ”

It snaps and explodes.

…

Again.

Steven does it _again_.

Lars is thrown to the air and hits against one of the statues. Thus, the pink boy falls to the ground and, for a moment, Steven fears that he won’t move; that… he won’t wake up. Fortunately, Lars coughs and tries to stand up.

Meanwhile, even Lion startles awake, growling at the sign of danger.

Steven ultimately realizes his own skin is pink again.

No…

Goodness, **_no_**.

_You’re just like her._

_You’re just like her._

**_You’re just like her._ **

The words repeat in his mind like a broken record, and they are louder against his ears once he finds the terror in Lars’ eyes, and the surprise in Lion’s.

Rather than rushing to his friend, he…

He runs away.

Maybe it’s better like this.

He will just hurt more people.

(Just like she did.)

* * *

Steven runs to where the warp takes him. He doesn’t go back home – he doesn’t think he can face any of the gems in this state. He’s still _pink_. He hates it, he hates this pink state, he hates _himself_ , **_hates_** —

He smells… strawberries.

Oh. The Gem Battlefield.

Just like that, Steven rushes away from the warp pad and runs until he meets the floating chunks of earth. He jumps to the very last and biggest one, the same one Pearl ran away to when she was hurting. Because of his mom.

Maybe not the best choice for him to stay. But he can’t think of anywhere else that _doesn’t_ remind him of Pink.

Steven gets to the edge, faces the multicolored sky. It’s a beautiful sight, for such a horrifying place. A war that killed thousands of gems and humans.

He screams.

Screams from the top of his lungs, not holding anything back. He manages not to destroy anything, so he does it when he faces the sky only, and by the edge of the platform.

For once, Steven’s yells are reduced to painful sobbing. Then he falls to his knees, as if losing all his strength. Tears come out of his eyes and his pink hands are pressed against his face.

It **hurts**.

It hurts to remember what Pink did. To Volleyball, to Spinel, to his friends, even the Diamonds as he was able to feel their absurdly long grief. And it hurts to replay the destruction of the Reef, and Lars flying until he hit against a tall structure, ultimately falling to his death.

All he wanted was to help people. Fix what his mother left behind. But as it turns out, Steven can’t, because he’s going to hurt everyone, too.

He can’t bear that.

He can’t go back.

So, he doesn’t.

Steven stays there. He sits by the grass and hugs his own knees, crying to himself. There are no sounds besides the wind and his own sobs.

Otherwise, everything is quiet, and nobody is there. Just as he wants.

…

“Steven?”

He freezes.

No.

There shouldn’t be anyone there.

Steven jumps and immediately turns around. To his horror, he finds Lars standing in one of the small chunks far away.

How did he get up there? Right, Lion. But still, he shouldn’t be there. _Why_ is he there?

“No…” Steven takes a few steps back “No, get away from me! I’m only going to hurt you!”

“You won’t! I- Steven, I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have pushed you like that!” Lars apologizes. “You don’t have to talk about anything, okay? Just- Just come here? Please?”

The chunk Lars is in is small for them both, but there’s desperation in his tone as well.

Steven doesn’t want to get near him.

“I-I can’t.” He steps away from him more.

“It’s okay,” Lars tries to soothe him as if he’s a wounded animal. “ _I’m_ okay, Steven. You didn’t hurt me.”

“I _did!_ ” Steven snaps, now that he’s as far as possible. “I KILLED you, Lars! I got you into this mess, and I’m going to hurt you a-and everyone else! **Just like my mom**!”

The last part he hasn’t said so clearly and intensely before. Lars’ eyes widen in shock.

“Wait- Steven, don’t step back-!” The tall teenager tries to warn him, but the sixteen-year-old doesn’t understand until he can’t feel the ground steadying him anymore.

And he falls backwards.

Steven doesn’t float.

He is falling to his death.

…

He doesn’t do anything.

He only cries silently, thinking about all the harm he’s done.

Suddenly, though, he hears a noise from somewhere – maybe next to him – and a hand grabs Steven and he feels himself held tightly against a body. There’s a roar – Lion, he recognizes – and that’s when he knows they’re in the weird portal dimension, until they make it back to a surface.

The half-gem is pulled back only a little, and he encounters Lars’ tearful gaze.

“Steven!” The other boy exclaims, breathless. “Oh my god, are you-?”

His voice dies down as Steven breaks in more sobs.

“Y-You sh-shouldn’t have—” The black-haired teen tries to say but is unable to speak. Lars seems to hear the following words anyway.

_You shouldn’t have saved me._

The crying boy hides his face from him. He almost considers running away again, despite knowing that Lars and Lion would only catch up and save him once more. Regardless, he doesn’t want to be seen like this.

Before he can do anything other than cry in Lion’s back, Lars beats him to it; he hugs him, tighter than he could ever manage, as if already fearing Steven will escape.

This time, the latter doesn’t fight it.

“I’ve got you,” Lars mumbles. “I’ve got you now, okay? You’re okay.”

“L-Lars—”

“Shhh,” He stops the thousands of apologies Steven will try to say. “Don’t say anything. You don’t have to, alright? It’s okay.”

Steven does as he’s told, and he cries in the other’s shoulder, clutching his t-shirt. Lars keeps muttering reassuring words, and it’s so odd. They haven’t had this moment in years. As friendlier as they became after Lars first went to Homeworld, Steven has never quite gone to him to talk about everything.

Even if his friend might have told him he could come to him to talk, he assumed Lars moved on. He has many friends now, his own pastry shop, having retired from the space captain job once he got home. Steven didn’t want to hold him back from living his new and better life.

He sort of hates that he feels selfish for craving this contact. Maybe, because he believes he doesn’t deserve it. To be comforted after hurting his friend.

Yet… Steven still can’t let go.

He also realizes he’s not pink anymore, the rage silencing for a moment.

Once his sobs finally quiet down, he’s able to breathe again. He doesn’t face Lars, instead the countless, endless strawberries, whilst he holds tight to the taller boy.

Steven knows he isn’t forced to talk, but… he finds out he can’t be quiet about this anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Steven says.

Lars sighs. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“But I—”

“No, no more ‘buts’ – we both messed up, okay? I shouldn’t have forced you to talk like that,” Lars interrupts, regretful. “I should’ve been more patient. I know that these… these things are hard to talk about.”

“I know you were worried…” Steven points out. “A-And you were right, too. I don’t… I don’t talk about anything to the gems. Nor my dad and Connie.”

Lars appears to want to argue more but he gives up with another deep sigh as he rubs Steven’s back. He doesn’t say anything anymore. The latter decides he doesn’t want the silence to be their only words.

“B-Back at the arena, I… I couldn’t help but think of my mom,” Steven begins. “Of… Of myself, too. T-The pink… mode I activated is something new. I found out when I fought Jasper, and it reacts with my emotions, too. When I’m angry, I turn pink and I…”

The tears come back to his dark eyes, but he continues after a small sniff. “S-So you know that Pearls used to be slaves, right? My mom had this other Pearl before- before the Pearl we know.” Again with the confusion with Pearls, he distantly thinks in annoyance. “The first Pearl – I-I call her Volleyball – had her eye cracked. At some point she was m-mind controlled by White until she broke free, so I- we all thought the injury was because of White. But Volleyball told me that… that my mom did it. T-That Pink used to throw tantrums and destroy everything around her with her screams…”

Lars is awfully quiet during the painful pause Steven makes. He takes a breath and tries again.

“A-And so I tried to take Volleyball to where Homeworld created and fixed Pearls. The cracked eye couldn’t be healed… and then I got really mad once she told the whole story. I yelled a-and… and I damaged the whole place, and she was… s-she was so scared.” Steven hiccups. “She was scared of **me**.”

He can still hear Volleyball’s little whimpers in the back of his mind.

“B-But what made me even angrier was that- s-she kept excusing mom. Kept saying that she hadn’t meant to, and it was so—” Steven starts raising his voice. “I just…”

“Steven…” Lars doesn’t know what to say.

The black-haired boy growls.

“It’s not fair.” He says. “It’s not FAIR. Mom hurt so many people and she left the whole mess behind! I-I’ve been trying to fix it, you know? I’m really trying to help them, but it’s hard!”

He realizes he’s turning pink again, but he doesn’t stop.

“I-I could’ve hurt Volleyball, and I- I hurt you, too. I’m…” A sob comes out of him. “I-I’m just _as bad as my mom_!”

The moment he says that, Lars pulls away to face him with a deep frown. Steven feels ashamed and he tries to suppress his rage, only failing to do so. When seeing his reaction, Lars’ face softens, while remaining firm.

“Don’t you say that,” He orders, despite certain shakiness in his tone. “You’re not like your mom. Maybe, there are things you two have in common – but you’re not like her.”

“But I hurt people!”

“We all end up hurting people at some point, Steven. I… gosh, I hurt people, too, you know that!” Lars reminds. “It’s inevitable! It’s part of life, and it _sucks_. But there is something we can do about it: we can be better. We can apologize to them and ourselves, admit it’s messed up and move on. Whether they want us in their lives or not, it doesn’t matter as long as we don’t run away from the problem. And guess what? You don’t run away. In that sense, you’re nothing like your mom.”

And it’s that moment that Steven shuts up for good. He stares at the other with surprise.

“Your mom ran away from everything. I get that living on Homeworld was hell for her, but she still did it and didn’t face the consequences. You, though? You go there and apologize when you mess up. You’re honest and you do everything you can to make up for it. You’re not like her – you’re _better_ than her.”

Steven is speechless throughout Lars’ explanation. His pink mode fades, yet something still bothers him.

“But I… I can’t move on; no matter how much I try.”

“That’s because you aren’t talking about _your_ mistakes only… even if you didn’t do what your mom did, you’re still guilty,” Lars assumes. “You want to fix everything without accepting your own feelings.”

_I just want to FIX IT!_

Well, that _is_ true…

“Listen, you can do amazing things,” The pink teenager resumes. “You’re the most awesome person I know, and almost everyone else seems to agree with me. Still, none of that takes away the fact that you’re a kid. Dude, at fourteen you had to decide the fate of TWO freaking planets! Not to mention finding out your mom lied about a lot of things, especially her identity, and hurt so many people, that’s baggage _nobody_ should be pushing aside. You have the right to be angry, to be sad, to grieve! But what is messed up is that you keep bottling everything up because you don’t think your feelings are important, and that’s not good for you. You’re… You’re **_hurting_** , Steven. You can’t keep ignoring that.”

As soon as he hears the word, he remembers Pearl talking to Volleyball back in the Reef, when they were about to be reset.

_But you were hurt – BADLY hurt!_

_I **was** badly hurt. How did you stop hurting?_

_I didn’t._

Suddenly, their conversation deepens.

The way Lars is describing Steven’s situation comes from a place where he’s familiar with. Lars never accepted help. He never opened up until the potluck; and he never broke in tears and admitted his fears until they were both trapped in that ship.

And, from what it looks like, Lars hasn’t quite come around.

It… still hurts him.

When Steven thinks through it, his heart breaks for his friend. On the other hand, he… he doesn’t feel alone anymore.

“Again, I get it, it’s not easy. That’s why we gotta have people we can count on.” Lars smiles sadly at him. While not saying it, his looks give it away: _You can count on me_.

With that, the other boy gives him a genuine smile; the first one in some time. Steven can’t help but squeeze Lars in another hug. The older returns it without hesitation.

Once Steven lets go, his smile has not faded.

“Thanks, Lars… I-I needed that,” He says.

The other ruffles his curly hair. “It’s no problem.”

Lion appears to sense they’re in good terms, because he soon sits and both boys fall off of him.

“Lion!” Steven whines, causing Lars to laugh.

“He’s probably done standing here for too long.”

“Yeah, well, he should be gentle.” Steven gives a non-serious glare at Lion, who yawns and appears to complain about something. As if saying they should leave the battlefield.

“Okay, you’re right,” The half-gem agrees. “Let’s get outta here.”

“Oh, I was wondering… you, uh, you wanna go to the pastry shop?” Lars suggests. “We could eat something there and, y’know… chat for a bit. Besides, the Off Colors miss having you around. Well, if you’re up to it.”

“That would be nice.” Steven feels a little amount of joy remembering that the Off Colors help Lars in his bakery; their company wouldn’t be so bad.

“Lion can stick in if he wants; I’ve got some Lion Lickers, too,” Lars says and, soon after, Lion’s eyes widen, and he snuggles his head against the pink teenager, causing both to laugh.

“Alright, that settles it,” Steven concludes.

Only then does Lion stand up again and wait for them to get on his back; then he runs and creates a portal, and the three already arrive in front of the pastry shop. They hear a couple of gasps from some clients and Rhodonite and Rutile.

“Oh, Lars! You’re back from training!” Rhodonite exclaims in joy.

“Hi, Steven!” “Hello!” Both Rutiles smile.

“I predict Steven and Lars will soon arrive!” Padparadscha reveals in excitement.

They greet one another and briefly catch up; Steven finds out that the Off Colors have also been cooking their own things, thanks to Lars. Their pastries are delicious.

And so, they all settle up in the small and nice pastry shop - with Lars and Steven grabbing some cake made by Rhodonite while Lion is spoiled by the gems with affection and Lion Lickers; not to mention the people that pass by, who pet the big, pink cat.

In the meantime, the boys gaze at one another in silence, and they smile.

For the first time in a while, Steven finally feels relaxed.


End file.
